Friday, October 31, 2008

Far Out, Far East

I’m shivering with cold as I write this, can’t seem to get warm. Gone back to work and everything has imploded – feel like a rat on a sinking ship, more on that later – but right now, let me think back on the brilliant holiday we’ve just had in Thailand! **Very long post warning** as it’s a kinda diary of my holiday...

16-17 Oct - Bangkok, Here We Come!

Early morning flight from Gatwick – a good journey with Qatar Airways, transfer in Doha was smooth and quick. I didn’t get much sleep, found it hard to switch my mind off work. Me and the glamorous C chatted about our lives and the situations we put ourselves in – life should be simple, shouldn’t it?! Anyway, we ended up watching the in-flight movie ‘Sex In The City’ – ooh, that guy from the Aero advert was in it (Jason Lewis) – yum!

Finally arrived in Bangkok - impressive transit to the hotel. Slept a couple of hours and then despite being all fuzzy headed, we were determined to get out and check out the city. Weather was cloudy but hot and humid, around 33 degrees C. Traffic and pollution in Bangkok hasn’t changed since I was last here over 15 years ago - still bad. We made our own way to do the Grand Palace tour – beautifully decorated buildings, unusual monuments and statues that must continually be restored to be kept in such pristine condition. Took daft pictures whilst everyone was taking serious shots…

After resting in the hotel, we went to check out Sukhumvit Road, the main shopping street in Bangkok. Ate in an Arabian restaurant (people smoking bongs around us whilst we ate) and then mooched around the market stalls – I picked up some fake Montblanc pens. Took the BTS Sky Train back – nice to try different types of public transport!

18 Oct - Boats, Big Elephant’s Willy, Ping Pong….

Early start for the organised tour, had to rush as we were too busy chatting and taking pics of each other in bed (I don’t know why!?) – the glamorous C received pics of a guy she’s been chatting to which gave her something to ponder on… Anyway, stopped off at a ‘coconut factory’ where they showed how the ubiquitous coconuts/trees were used to make coconut sugar, wooden implements etc.

Next, we took a long tail boat to the Damnoen Saduak Floating Market, which has appeared in various movies. It was interesting to see how people lived right next to the canal but when we got to the actual market bit, wow, brilliant sights of all the boats milling about on the canal, selling stuff from fruit and veg to fake Louis Vuitton bags.

The Rose Gardens were next on the agenda – lovely gardens and lake view, plus an elephant show. Daddy elephant decided to have a pee – the phrase shouldn’t be ‘hung like a donkey’, it should be ‘hung like an elephant’- it was like a fifth leg! There was a cultural show too, so we got to see a bit of Thai boxing, martial arts and dancing.

In the evening, we headed out into the city and ended up in an Irish pub, (what else?) O’Reilly’s – I got to watch some footie (Liverpool beat Wigan 3-2!), we had a coupla beers and a great natter. We stumbled out into the rain (I got very wet!) and the neon lights of Patpong.

Still the same go go bars with bikini-clad and numbered girls dancing, same hawkers thrusting a list of um 'cat' shows - I never looked past the first act on the list: cats with ping pong balls before I turned away laughing! Lots of fake goods available in the market – there was no evidence of the supposed crackdown of counterfeit goods. Very good copies though and the glamorous C picked up Tiffany jewellery…

Took a tuk-tuk back to the hotel, crashing out late.

19-20 Oct - Islands In The Sun and Orgasms...

4.30am wake up call to get our flight to Krabi, which is on the west coast of southern Thailand and only an hour away from Bangkok. When we arrived at Ao Nang, it was glorious sunshine, barely any humidity. Our room wasn’t ready so we just donned our bikinis and headed for the beach which was right next to the hotel! Could see some lovely little islands in the distance. Got our base tans before we were able to rest in our room, which had a verandah that led up to the pool – lush!

In the evening, we just ate in the hotel restaurant, listening to the waves crashing on the beach – doesn’t get much better than that! Walked along the promenade (the glamorous C had picked up a beach mat and she had it under her arm, when a guy pipes up “Nice carpet!” and I said to her “Did he mean your rug is showing?!”), browsing the souvenir shops and then we noticed that behind the shops, there was a little area with a load of pubs and bars! There was the odd go-go bar, old guys with young Thai girls etc but we settled for the Smile Bar, which was showing football and where the staff were really friendly. Downed a couple of Screaming Orgasm cocktails – who’s counting the calories!?

The next day, we walked the length of the beach and took photos, it was scorchio! However, after a couple of hours, there was a rainstorm, which we stayed out in for a bit (yes, sunbathing in the rain!), until we retreated to our verandah with a cold beer. Tan coming along nicely – we were deffo starting to look beach gorgeous! Lovely evening meal of tom yum soup (which I could have all the time) and red curry catfish. Bought my souvenir ring (silver with white shell). Also, it's a small world - I saw a woman wearing the same skirt I was wearing, which I got for a couple of quid from Tesco!

21-22 Oct - Mozzies, Waves, Fake Boobs, More Orgasms

The glamorous C was very busy with texts so just as well I gave her a notebook to start a journal, jotting thoughts, ideas, etc – would make interesting reading! The mosquitoes in Krabi took a liking to her but they then realised there was someone else in the room and started to bite chunks out of me too – both of us got bitten on our bums… the mozzies mustn’t be breast or leg men…. ;-) Anyway, an excellent sunbathing session before it started to rain a bit. Dozed off in the room whilst the glamorous C went on the internet to cause mischief and to read her love poems.

Fab seafood meal in the evening (barbecued tiger prawns) and we bought silver/shell pendants (matched the ring I bought t’other night). Picked up a nice little stripey dress before we went to war on the mozzies, squashing loads before we crashed out.

The next day, we went on our bargain Phi Phi islands tour. A cloudy day and the sea was extremely choppy, garnering lots of screams from the club 18-30 lot who were sat at the front of the speedboat! Our tour guide ‘Lala’ was no lady - funny, outrageously flirtatious, with exaggerated gestures and fake boobs. Couldn’t understand a word he/she said!

Anyway, we checked out the Viking Cave, Phi Phil Leh (gorgeous lagoon) and did a bit of open-sea snorkelling towards Lohsamah Bay. WOW – loads of really colourful fish everywhere, swimming around the finger-like coral reef. The glamorous C spotted a puffer fish and I saw some colouful eel-type fish. There were all sorts – brilliant!

Stopped off at Monkey Cave to feed the monkeys and also Maya Bay, where they filmed the Leonardo Di Caprio film 'The Beach’ – an utterly gorgeous beach with beautiful fine white sand and crystal clear water. Buffet lunch at Phi Phi Don and more snorkelling at Bamboo Island.

We settled down for a spot of sunning and of course, everyone on the boat ended up waiting for us - oops, where did the time go?!

When we got back, I ended up snoozing for 4 hours! I can’t believe the glamorous C didn’t wake me up but she was evidently too busy composing rude/love poems! Proper seafood platter in the evening, comprising of red snapper, king prawns, cockles and crab. Our eyes were obviously larger than our lady-like stomachs as we couldn’t finish all of it! However, we did of course still have room to squeeze in a beer and a couple of cocktails!

23-24 Oct – Phallic Worship, Finding Nemo and Dr No

Early to the beach but it started to rain so we moved to the shelter poolside – a short while later, it turned into an absolute scorcher of a day so we caught some major rays that day! We’ve both read ‘Girl With A One-Track Mind’ whilst out here – bloody funny and a lot we can both relate to, haha!

Went to Potjawan’s restaurant - our 3rd visit so they had our drinks order ready! A nice relaxing day.

The following day, we were up early for our Four Islands Tour. First stop was Phra Nang Cave – some amazing stalactites next to the cave, which is a sacred shrine to a princess but which also appears to be a shrine for fertility. Therefore no-one could possibly blame me and the glamorous C for trying very hard not to laugh at the large wooden phallus symbols everywhere – I took a photo of her with her resting her hand on a five foot tall wooden member!

At Chicken Island, the boat stopped close by and we just jumped into the very warm sea for a spot of snorkeling – again, the sheer variety of fish was just awesome and it was weird but strangely compelling to be in the water and seeing rain hit the surface on the sea from the fishes’ point of view! And guess what – I found Nemo (two clown fish swimming around an anemone) and was able to point him out to the glamorous C without swallowing too much seawater in my excitement! Yay!

At Poda Island, we stopped for a nice Thai picnic lunch and some shallow water snorkeling – some very nasty looking spiky anemones around but lots of fish milling about.

Our last stop were the lovely beaches of Tup Island, where we took some daft bikini shots, including trying to replicate the Ursula Andress coming out of the sea scene in the James Bond film ‘Dr No’ – I was a rather rubbish but the glamorous C had it down to a T - bitch! ;-)

Rested poolside when we got back and in the evening, ate at the Banana Leaf restaurant - yummy food at yummy prices!

Wandered up the main strip and we were laughing about the glamorous C's latest dalliances, when she piped up that she was 'helping out with emotional needs' - some geezer walking in front of us with a little Thai girlie on his arm suddenly turned round and said 'Well hello!' in true Carry On/Leslie Phillips style! I don't think he was expecting us behind him and he certainly wasn't expecting me to politely tell him to stop eavesdropping on our convo!

Anyway, ended up in the Smile Bar for our usual orgasmic cocktails but also so that the glamorous C could have her nightly internet fix - I've always admired her multi-tasking skills and she's juggling with the best of them right now - me? I could only cope with one at a time!

Shot some pool and crashed out late.

25 Oct – Massage Parlour and White Bits

A lazy day relaxing by the pool, some scattered showers but it was still nice lounging around in the heat. Our last day of any real sunbathing so we made the most of the intermittent bursts of sunshine. In the afternoon, we went for oil massages – mmmmmmm… utterly and totally blissful, it was divine! I didn’t want the masseuse to stop – so this is what totally stress-free feels like!

As there’s been no topless sunbathing this holiday (to respect the local customs), we’ve got white bits and strap lines that we wouldn’t normally have – had a right laugh as the glamorous C came up with her version of the consequences of using fake tan to cover up the white bits – I can see her point but would never have come up with the idea!

Anyway, our last night in Krabi, which we celebrated with some nice chicken satay skewers and a couple of cocktails.

26 Oct – One Night In Bangkok, Cat Tricks, Football and Beer

One final lingering look at the little islands of Krabi and then we were back in Bangkok. Dropped off our stuff and made our way via train and boat along the Chao Phraya river to Wat Arun, the ancient temple. Was amazing, a mixture of old architecture, plus a mish mash of colonial and eastern design. Unfortunately, part of it was closed for security as some Thai royalty was visiting that day.

Back at O’Reilly’s bar again in Patpong to watch the Chelsea v Liverpool game - the glamorous C’s suggestion! I seriously hadn’t expected to catch any football whilst out here but my mate ensured that I got my own little fix and indulgence! An excellent result, the Scousers winning 1-0 to end Chelsea’s four year unbeaten home run and stay top of the league – yay and ha!

Steaming from the beer, we piled out into the night market. The glamorous C was ace at bartering and picked up various bits of Tiffany stuff, a Citizen watch and LV sports bag.

With my tan in place, I guess I can sort of see why people started to speak Thai to me but did they all have to thrust the lists of ‘cat tricks’ in my face as I passed by the bars? This time, we made a point of looking down the list and saw that as well as ping pong, the ‘cats’ also did things like ‘shoot banana, cut banana, something with needles and razorblades, played with snakes, smoke cigarettes, open bottles, write letters and err, BDSM.’ Interesting and could have been a mind boggling way to end our last night in the city but we had to decline! “Five minute, lookie lookie, no pay” just didn’t tempt us, nor the promise of ‘men shows’.

27-28 Oct – Double Take, Double Trouble, Double Entendres

Our last day was spent shopping in the Siam Centre and then catching last minute scorching rays by the hotel pool – yes our bikinis made an unexpected final appearance, kinda surreal surrounded by the Bangkok skyline and temples in the background.

And then we were back in our ‘normal’ clothes to travel back to face the British weather - joy...

At the airport as we were checking in, the lady showing us where to queue did a double take at me – I don’t know why? In fact I noticed this when we were out and about in the streets of Bangkok – I’d have thought that all eyes would be on the tall, blonde and curvaceous glamorous C but no, many people (women mostly) stared at me, - short, dark, look a bit like the locals but obviously not quite - as I walked past, I tried not to get paranoid, I was dressed quite conservatively and thought I would have blended in but somehow I didn’t? They weren’t being hostile – more like bemused and curious?

Anyway, a six hour flight to Doha, a short wait and then we were on our last leg back to the UK. As the flight wasn’t full, we were able to stretch out in the empty seats. Managed to catch a few hours of sleep.

And then we arrived in London where it was freezing and when we got back to Manchester it was even colder. Back to life, back to reality! :-(

Analysis and synopsis (back into work mode already and yes, nearly finished this looooong post!)

So, my second ‘Girls On Tour’ holiday with the glamorous C – different from the first one, longer period, further away. Same as the first one in that it was fun-filled, lots of laughter and great conversation, loads of relaxation. Our first holiday, we spent a lot of time reminiscing about our childhoods and sharing early memories; this time we opened up more about current stuff and more personal experiences.

Again, we both got on, went with the flow, no disputes. We also had time to ourselves so we weren’t like continuously in each others’ hair – her off causing mischief on the internet, me sleeping and reading. Come to think of it, this holiday, I ate, drank and slept far more than she did!

Ok, to spice things up for anyone who’s still reading, we were often in the complete buff, rubbing sun cream on each other and yes, we compared our white bits and dammit, she has a better tan than I have!

All in all, a fabulous holiday, can’t wait to do it all again. Probably not such a big holiday next year but need to arrange something.

And finally a few meaningless words and phrases that will put a smile on my face when I reread this – ‘good bush, bad bush’, ‘my gf, your gf’, ‘miss bitch’, ‘mcdonald’s – I’m lovin it’, topiary, pictures of feet.

Thailand - the land of smiles certainly made us smile! Happy days.


  1. Fab post! I feel almost like I was there! Glad you had such a good time.

  2. Sounds like a great trip! :)

    Sadly beating you as still left us bottom :(

  3. Anonymous4:33 pm

    Oh yes, it does sound fab. Lucky you. I am SO envious. And those are my Hoegaarden glasses you have there too!!

    You are lucky to have a friend you are that at ease with to go on holiday with.

    I hope everything is going OK at work?

  4. Yep, was a great trip, RS. Jammy penalty for us last night but we should have been awarded more!

    Yep RB it was fab and I do consider myself extremely lucky to have found someone who wants the same things out of a holiday as I do.

    Been delaying posting about work but I guess I can't put it off for much longer. Something later tonight...

  5. You'll never miss a footie match if it's televised in Asia. They're mad bonkers for it.

    Glad you enjoyed it. I really like Thailand though I do prefer Vietnam and Cambodia. Just that little bit rougher.

    I'll reserve comments on curves and white bits until I've examined you both ;)

  6. Vietnam and Cambodia are on our 'to visit' list - maybe in a couple of years time, as it looks like a European holiday next year.

    If this blog wasn't anonymous, I'd be posting pictures of curves and white bits! :-)

  7. Seriously, do Cambodia and Vietnam sooner rather than later. Enjoy them before they get too touristy (and more expensive).

    And you have my email address :-P

  8. Lol, don't tempt me...

  9. If tempting doesn't work, would an offer of cash? :-P

  10. Now that's not know I'm skint! ;-)

  11. Trade? You offer me a donation for my website and I'll return the same amount to you as a cheque...