Wednesday, December 20, 2006

5 more days...

Seems the days have just whizzed by without me really noticing. 2006 is fast disappearing, with 2007 just round the corner.

Our network hub at home has packed in, so I don't have internet access. This isn't my excuse for not posting anything though, just not had time, nor really anything to talk about. Work is just mental right now, but I'm having a 5 minute break.

Went down to Wales to vist my old schoolmate M and her brood - shame I couldn't spend more time with my godson, must try to stay longer next time before he turns into a moody teenager.

Braved the Trafford Centre for Christmas shopping - got there at 10.30am, nice and empty. At 10.50am, it was like the world and his wife had turned up (with their pushchairs...) and at that point, I just wanted to get out of there. Lasted another hour but fortunately, had all my shopping wrapped up by then.

Met up with the Glamorous C for a spot of badminton and lost to her for the first time (best of 3 games) - guess the shopping really took it out of me. Did she gloat? Of course she did! Went round to her lovely house for a quick visit and to drop off her presents - her kids were nice and well-behaved.

Anyway, off on the first of three fattening (pub) lunches this week so on that note, here's a timely festive alcohol troubleshooting guide:

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Action: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Improper bladder control.
Action: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

Symptom: Drink unusually pale and tasteless.
Fault: Glass empty.
Action: Get someone to buy you another drink.

Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Action: Have yourself lashed to bar.

Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
Fault: You have fallen forwards
Action: See above.

Symptom: Alcohol tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
Action: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

Symptom: Floor blurred.
Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
Action: Get someone to buy you another drink.

Symptom: Floor moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.Action:
Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Symptom: Room seems unusually dark.
Fault: Bar is Closed
Action: Confirm home address with bartender.

Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
Fault: Alcohol consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
Action: Cover mouth.

Symptom: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
Fault: You are dancing on the table.
Action: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

Symptom: Drink is crystal-clear.
Fault: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
Action: Punch him.

Symptom: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
Fault: You have been in a fight.
Action: Apologise to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

Symptom: Don't recognise anyone, don't recognise the room you're in.
Fault: You've wandered into the wrong party.
Action: See if they have free alcohol.

Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted.
Fault: The drink is too weak.
Action: Have more alcohol until your voice improves.

Symptom: Don't remember the words to the song.
Fault: Drink is just right.
Action: Play air guitar.

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